Thanks for the support everyone. I know I'm acting irrationally, and these things are small issues in the big picture, but what can I say, it's irrational! I'm trying to take it one day at a time and not get too obsessive. It is difficult to think about anything else though.

In other news, we've been telling people left and right. Wednesday night I sprung it on Megan at the knitting store. She was totally gobsmacked. Unfortunately the picture I took of her face did not turn out at all. Sorry Denny.
I've also told my boss at work. His one comment was I was going to make one of the contract workers very happy!

So Sunday night, after a lovely evening with some friends and their adorable almost 1 year old,
we got home and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the enormity of what was happening. The amount of responsibility that we were taking on started to really scare me. There seemed to be an unending string of decisions that we needed to start making about everything. Some of them really important like birthplans, names, and whether to have certain tests done. Some of them not so much like what kind of stroller and playyard to get.
But since every question was going to affect my child directly, they all seemed to take on epic proportions. It was maddening. I was feeling paralyzed by indecison already!
Joe's advice was to just concentrate on each thing as it crops up, and I try to, but it's really difficult. I'm a list maker by nature, I like to have everything ready and organized in my head well in advance. But everytime I start trying to concentrate on one thing, I think of all the others I'm not concentrating on and I freak out that I'll never get any of it resolved. I just keep going around and around in this not very productive circle. It's starting to drive me insane and that's starting to drive Joe insane.

Since we got the ultrasound done on Friday, we've made a start at telling our friends the news. I can't believe how much fun it is. Everyone is happy and excited for us of course, but a big reaction is shock. Joe thinks it's because we've been together for so long that people assumed if we wanted kids, we would have had them by now. It's going to be really fun at knitting on Wednesday night because I am apparently the dark horse in the baby sweepstakes at stitch and bitch.
One unexpected side benefit of starting to tell people is getting stuff! When I told my friend Stef yesterday, she immediately started going through her closets and pulling out things she used during her pregnancy last year.
In addition to a crapload of maternity clothes, she also lent us a fetal monitor and microphone. These things are the coolest. We can't hear anything yet with the monitor (trust me, we tried), but we did use the microphone to talk to the fetus. Stef says that when she was pregnant, she used to sing the ABC song to the fetus, and now, the song totally chills her son out. So we're planning a steady stream of the Doctor Who theme and Blur. With maybe a smattering of Cole Porter tunes.

The proof

I woke Joe up at the ungodly hour of 7:30am this morning so we could make our 9:15 appointment at the Women's College fetal assessment clinic for the nuchal translucency screening. We were really excited about the ultrasound, but we were unprepared for just how much it affected us.
I thought it would take a little searching around to see the fetus clearly, but as soon as the technician put the sensor on my stomach, there it was, doing a little dance. Joe was just riveted by the images. I was thrilled that there was actually something there and it wasn't just all in my mind.


The technician says the neck looks good, and the brain looks good. We'll know more after the blood tests come back. In a couple of months, we'll get some 3d ultrasound pictures!

Until tonight I was thinking, 'well, at least I don't have any food aversions'. But at Stitch and Bitch tonight, someone bought in cupcakes with gummy worms on them. I wasn't in the mood for cupcakes (which should have told me something right there), but I grabbed a loose gummy worm. It must have been the concentrated sugar hit. Instant queasy. That's when I realized that for the last little while I haven't really been interested in anything sugary. I mean, I've had a candy or two, but I used to crave chocolate bars all the time. Now, not so much. No dreaming of cake like I usually do when I'm hungry at night (and I'm always hungry at night these days). I still like fruits and juices and the like, but I seem to be off straight up sugar.
It's really interesting how the pregnancy is affecting my eating habits, but I have say, my stomach is starting to piss me off a little. I just wish it would make up its mind. If I'm even a little bit hungry, I get queasy. When I eat, I feel bloated. Why can't I find a happy medium?

Well the appointment was a bit anticlimactic. We weren't able to hear the heartbeat (there wasn't time to try as he had to go and deliver a baby), but the doctor said everything seemed to be in the right place and was the right size. We go back on Friday for the Nuchal testing ultrasound. Joe is really excited about that.

Also saw a very interesting documentary last night on hothousing babies and toddlers (they weren't in favour of it), which gave rise to a really great conversation with Joe about child rearing and how we wanted to approach it with our child. I'm glad we agree. It would suck to find out at this point that we had completely divergent views.

Today's source of anxiety

After getting through the nerve wracking experience of telling the family on the weekend, I can concentrate on the first appointment with the obstetrician this afternoon. Hopefully he will be able to hear the heartbeat, thus giving us the first bit of concrete proof that something is growing inside me. 'Symptoms' and 'test results' are all fine and good, but God knows I've thrown up many times in my life without being pregnant.
I am happy that I (we?) apparently enter the 2nd trimester today. That means that the nausea should go away (please!) and the risk of miscarriage gets significantly lower. And it drops even more if we can hear the heartbeat.

Oh. A note about doctor vs midwife. Joe and I chose to go the obstetrician route because my age and my high blood pressure bump this pregnancy into the high risk category. I know that for some people I hang out with, this decision will horrify them, but honestly, a midwife would probably end up referring me to an ob/gyn at some point anyway, so why not cut out the middleman.

Spreading the news

Ok, so far we've told almost no one about my delicate condition. In fact, out of my huge family, I've only told one sister. I haven't even told my parents yet. I wanted to wait until after my first ultrasound which happens this Friday. But now I'm having second thoughts.
Today is Chinese New Year and I'm seeing my entire family for dinner tonight (well, almost). This would be a perfect time to tell everyone at once. Not to mention the fact that it will really add to the family celebration.
The only problem is, what if something goes wrong? I'm not out of my first trimester, and I haven't even had an appointment with my obstetrician yet (that happens on Monday). I'm a pretty private person (despite the evidence of this blog) and I'm not sure I would want everyone to know if there was bad news - even members of my family. I'm not sure I can handle that many people feeling sorry for me.
After talking to my sister, I'm leaning towards telling them today, but it still terrifies me somewhat. Maybe its part of the whole 'this makes it more real' feeling. I remember the first time I told someone besides my doctor. It was a total stranger in the health food store where I was buying my prenatal vitamins. It was only a couple of days after I tested positive so it was a real novelty to say out loud 'I'm pregnant' and it felt great acknowledging it to someone. It certainly helped me to believe it in those first few days. But that was someone I was never going to see again. This is my family. My entire family. There's no going back from this!

I'm sure I'm angsting over nothing once again. My family is incredibly loving and supportive. And I know they will be very excited when they hear the news. In fact, I'm very anxious to tell them. I just wish the timing of things was a bit better. If this was happening next weekend, it would have been perfect. I guess I can't expect perfection and I will have to make do with what I have.

After a month or so of not really believing I was pregnant, my body seems to have taken over, leaving me in no doubt of what is going on. In the last week or so, my symptoms have really ramped up. The nausea that seemed to go away for a bit has come back, I'm really tired all the time but when I go to sleep, I just can't seem to get comfortable, when I do get to sleep, I wake up way too early, and my moods are all over the place. I've been crying at the drop of a hat lately.
Not to mention the physical changes that my body is going through.

Even though I am only nearing the end of 11 weeks and not really showing, I had to go and buy some maternity jeans at Old Navy last night. My sister says it's because everything is moving around. But I had an appointment with my dietician this morning and it seems that I've gained four and a half pounds. That's about 2lbs more than I expected. I've been kinda beating myself up about this all day even though everyone says I should just relax and that as long as I'm eating well and not too much, it should all work out. But I can't help myself. In a weird way, I feel like I've failed myself or something. My goal is to stay on the lighter side of the weight gain curve, which in the first trimester is 1/2 lb a week and I blew it for the month. I started out almost 40lbs overweight and I don't want to use this as an excuse to balloon even more.

On the plus side, the maternity jeans are wonderful. There is no constriction whatsoever. I keep worrying that they are going to fall off!