A couple of Christmas themed pictures:
Zoë as Baby Jesus in The Christmas Story:




And for the more secular among us:




Happy Holidays from Joe, Zoë and I!

Well, it's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks here trying to get ready for her first Christmas while battling through our yearly ennui. December has never been a good time for either Joe or myself and the addition of Zoë has made it both harder and easier.
It's so much harder to get things done while carrying her around. But every time we look at her our mood can't help but lift. (As an aside, my respect for my mother has gone through the roof. How she managed to do anything when she had her first 4 kids in 5 years is beyond me. I tried to do some sewing to help my sister out a few weeks ago and I could barely manage to do a couple of seams an hour.)

Shopping with her has been an adventure. Every time we go out together I have to decide stroller or sling. With the stroller I can last longer and can carry more stuff comfortably, but I'm so much more manoeuverable with the sling. Tiny shops and public transportation are a breeze. (especially with my new boots!)
The sling has been winning for the most part. That means I'm exhausted at the end of the day though. I've taken to leaving her with Joe for an hour or so every couple of days to just sit in a coffee shop and relax.
We even left her with my niece for an hour last week so Joe and I could spend some time together without her. That was rather strange. But good. We probably won't have a chance to do that again until the new year, but hopefully it can turn into a regular thing.

Onto the pictures. I have week 15 (I missed week 14.) and her first picture with the fat man!

I was going to write a post that was all sunshine and roses about how she is now 3 months old and where does the time go yadda yadda, but it seems like the time got all saved up for days like today where minutes seemed liked hours.
For the last couple of days it's been really hard to settle her down for a nap and she always seems to want to be on the breast, but half the time she just plays there. I called my sister in a right state today and she asked if she was drooling a lot, and if so, the problem might be teething. I had to admit that the drool factor had definitely risen lately, to the point that I was considering putting a bib on her in an attempt to keep her clothes dry.
If this is her teething, Joe and I are in for a long year. She was completely bi-polar today screaming and babbling happily in turn. We tried to take her out in her stroller tonight because we were both a bit too tired to really want to carry her (and it's tough to fit her into the sling Joe uses with her snowsuit on) but we needed the air. She screamed the entire time in there. In the end I had to sling her up to get us home without completely shattering our nerves.
Also today, she was very clingy with me. Every time I left her with Joe for even the shortest time, she would start fussing, then the inevitable screaming. In the end we had to dose her with baby tempra and 2 ounces of formula to get her to calm down and sleep. Of course with all that in her, she'll sleep for hours now.

It is pretty exciting that she's 3 months now though. She babbles a lot now. I was sitting in the mall yesterday and she loved watching the people around us and was talking to them as they all passed. She's holding her head up enough that I tried her in the Bumbo seat. That seemed to be a success. She's also starting to reach for things and bat them around.
The most exciting thing is she seems to have a favourite toy and song. She loves talking to her Baby Clutch Cube and it can generally hold her attention for a few minutes. She also loves the song, Roly Poly Up Up Up (sung to the tune of Frere Jaques) that I learned from the library story time. I'm not sure if she just likes the fact that I swing her high up then low down with the song, but she laughs and the second time I sing it in a row, she starts smiling right away.

For pictures this time, we have week 12 and week 13 as well as the first time in the bumbo and putting up the christmas tree with dad! Exciting times!

Well, the winter weather didn't stop Zoë and I yesterday. It was a bit rough though. Because I wanted to do some heavy duty grocery shopping while out, I decided to pop her into her stroller instead of carrying her in her sling. (I did carry the sling with us - just in case) She was actually ok about it for the most part, which is unusual. And she was certainly warmer than I was since she had on her wool jacket, inside her cuddle bag and covered by two blankets. In fact, she complained loudly if I didn't uncover her when we were inside stores and was completely calm when we were outside.
For once, she wasn't what was giving me a headache. It was the stroller. It's a 10 yr old stroller that was handed down to me from my brother. It's in pretty good condition and I had no probems with it up until now. But let me tell you, pushing that sucker through the ice, snow and slush was hell. If I had had my choice (and the money to go with it) I would have gotten a stroller with tires that were meant to take on the winter. As it was, when the stroller wasn't skidding on the ice, it was getting hung up on the snow.
On the way home, I decided to put her into her sling because I thought she might want to eat. That made matters even worse. Since my old winter boots exploded last winter, I don't have a good pair of boots. I was in my runners and terrified I was going to slip while carrying her. I eventually had to put her back into the stroller for my peace of mind!
This will not deter us though! I can put up with the stroller if it means getting out of the house regularly, although I reserve the right to continue to bitch about it all winter. And this just gives me a good reason to buy new boots!

And here she is at 11 weeks plus one more close up in her Godzilla T-shirt.

Today Zoë and I went to the library baby story time for the first time. I was really glad to get out of the house, but I have to say the timing of it could be better. It starts at 10am which is just about the time she gets sleepy after being up for two or three hours. A couple of the other moms there said they also had that problem. She's also still a bit young to fully appreciate it, but the other parents there are nice. I will try and make it a regular outing for the two of us.

Last week's doctor's appointment went as well as could be expected. The needles were a bit traumatic for everyone concerned but since they managed to do them while I was breastfeeding her, I think she forgot about it almost immediately. Joe and I still remain scarred though.
She weighed in at 9lb 9oz and was 23 1/2" long. No wonder she is starting to grow out of some of her sleepers. We also had to start buying the next size up in diapers. She had been wearing the newborn size up until earlier this week but they were definitely getting small on her. Thank goodness the cloth diapers we are using at home don't have such a small size range. The ones that aren't 'one size fits all' mostly go up to about a 15lb limit, so I have a bit of time yet until I have to buy more of those.

That's it for now, so I leave you with week 9 and 10 as well as a bonus close up. (in week 9 the sleeper she is a size 3-6mos which explains why it is so huge on her!)







(thanks to Stephanie for the last one!)

I don't know why I haven't posted in over a week, I guess things just get away from me so easily these days.
It was her 2 month birthday on Friday. It feels like so much longer (in a good way). I can barely remember our life before her. Of course that could be the tiredness talking. She has changed a lot in the two months. She has most decidedly grown out of the newborn sized clothes that we have and is starting to fill out the 0-3month clothes. She's holding her head up consistently (it still flops when she's tired though) and she will occassionally grace us with a smile. She has started to babble and she may or may not have reached out for things on purpose. I think her eyesight is getting better as well. She seems to notice us when we are further away. And when we take her out these days she is much more apt to stay awake and look around. She really enjoyed Dufferin Mall and Home Depot last week!

And of course there was Halloween on Wednesday. We weren't going to do anything with her this year even though Joe and I love Halloween. But when Joe was out buying candies, he saw some costumes and had to get one for her. She wasn't too impressed, and slept through the whole thing.


Next year we will go all out though.

The other thing that seems to have gotten away from Joe and I are taking the weekly pictures. We missed week 6 and the week 8 one is just by chance and not on the blanket. (we were at the one month birthday banquet of her cousin)






Today is her two month check up. She gets her first round of vaccinations today. Wish us luck!

Before I go on to anything else, last night she smiled, on purpose, at me for the first time. She did the same for her Dad this morning. We just can't stop staring at her now, waiting for her to do it again!

Went back to the lactation consultant for a weight check this week. She is growing steadily now. She gained an average of 23gr a day for the week. As of Wednesday she weighs 8lb 6 oz.
What's even more exciting for me is that the last two days we haven't needed the ounce of formula at night to settle her. We are actually trying to get her into a better schedule. Up 'til now, she had been going to sleep somewhere between 2 and 4am, and getting up between 8 and 10am for a feed then knocking off for another couple of hours. This has been a bit tough on us, so these last couple of days I've been trying to get her settled earlier. I find that if I take her into the bedroom and feed her lying down, she goes to sleep faster, so I've been doing that starting at around 11pm. I think it's working. The two nights, she's fallen asleep before 2 am. Not much before, but still. She still sleeps a lot in the mornings, but all her naps seem to have moved up by a couple of hours. And she's a lot less fussy when we try and get her to sleep. I think when we were letting her stay up so late, she was getting over tired and over stimulated so it took a long time to calm her down.

Because of the cooler weather we have been occasionally getting, I am finally able to get her into some of the knitted things she has! She looks exceptionally cute in the hat Mel made for her!



Oh, and I wanted to mention the two very strange encounters I've had recently when we have been out for our walks. The first happened on election day. I was at my voting station staring up at the large flight of stairs I had to go up with the stroller when a very nice elderly woman came up to me and offered to watch her while I went inside to vote. Now, I like to think the best of people, but even I wouldn't leave my child with a total random stranger. Did she really think that I would agree? She seemed mildly miffed when I refused her kind offer.
The other encounter was much more bizarre. Vaguely mortifying and hilarious at the same time. I was walking with the kid around 4pm across College street in the stroller when she started to cry. She had been making some hungry cues right before so I put on the sling and popped her into it to try and get her to start feeding. No matter what I did she kept screaming. She was screaming so frantically that I could see the passersby checking me out to make sure I wasn't murdering her or something. After a little while of this, I realize that an elderly chinese woman (what is it with the elderly women?) was speaking to me. After trying to tell her that I don't speak chinese, she started trying to help me get the baby to feed. I mean, she was right in there trying to push my nipple into the screaming kid's mouth. I was actually too shocked to do anything. This is one side effect of breastfeeding in public that no one warned me about!

I'm trying to get into a regular schedule here which would allow me to post at least a couple of times a week, but it's been a bit difficult to figure out. The main problem is that any down time I have, I feel guilty if I use it for anything not house cleaning related. After a few of weeks of buying into that whole 'let the dishes pile up and don't worry about the state of the house' business, the house is now a disaster area (although we did keep on top of the dishes). It doesn't help that Joe and I have generous friends and family, so there was a huge pile of things that people gave the kid piling up in our living room that we didn't have time to put away. (Also if anyone needs a baby themed gift bag, I may have one or two kicking around!) At least she stays quiet for a little while when I put her down to do things - even when she's awake.
We've also been managing to get out of the house at least once a day lately, even if it's just for a walk around the block. She really doesn't like the stroller or the car seat though. There's usually lots of screaming when she gets put into one of them. Eventually it subsides and she falls asleep, but she can have some real staying power with her crying. As a result, we spend a lot of time with her in her sling. (hm, I should get a good picture of her in her sling.) With that, she just cries for a couple of minutes before she quiets down. I've got to build up my stamina with it though.

We're still having issues with the breast feeding, or rather with how much milk I have. It turned out that at her 1 month check up, the doctor was a little concerned with how little weight she had gained. Even though she was healthy in every other respect, she was only averageing a weight gain of around 16g a day since the 2 week visit and the healthy range is 15-30g. So she was in there, but very low on the scale. The doctor suggested we go back to supplementing with formula. Not a lot, just one ounce a day when my milk supply was lowest - but pump during that time so the milk supply could build up. (This really made my mother happy because she was convinced I was starving her granddaughter.) I also went back to the lactation consultant who helped me a lot - more mentally than physically. She also reassured me that Zoë was in fact growing and developing well. When we went back the next week she was up to 8lb 1oz and had averaged 23grams a day that week. I have one more appointment with the lactation consultant on Wednesday for another weight check, But I can tell she's getting heavy and she's starting to fit some of the sleepers she was swimming in a couple weeks ago.

Here are some pictures - weeks 3, 4 and 5

It's been just over two weeks now and things are going pretty well. She's almost back up to her birthweight. She had dropped the accepted 10% of her weight in three days and I was pretty worried about it dropping more as my milk supply had yet to kick in. We had to supplement with formula for a few days which was nice for Joe as he was able to feed her that way.
We are off the supplements now, but it's still tough going with the breastfeeding. We're still trying to get the latch right so I'm not in constant pain! I have also developed a touch of mastitis, so the girls are feeling really tender right now. Apparently the trick is cabbage leaves.
In other news, I'm trying to get back in the swing of day to day life now. I have to start getting out on a regular basis. It's going to be tough to get out of the house with her in the winter, so I want to take advantage of the fall weather while it lasts. And her schedule seems to have settled down so I can maybe start doing things other than feed her and sleep now.

And finally, for posterity, here are pictures of her at one day, 9 days and 14 days.

Oh man, I can't believe that Stephanie got a picture of Z on her blog before I did. Bad mommy blogger! (Joe's got a great picture on his blog as well) To make up for it, how about a birth story?

As a prelude, here I am in Triage, trying to kill some time.


Let's see, I had left off when we were waiting for my sister to come pick us up to head back out the the hospital. We got to the hospital at around 9:30am and was immediately shown into a labour room. (funny enough, it was the same one that we went into on our hospital tour back in July.) After the on call doctor did a quick exam that showed I was 3cm dilated and that my water had in fact broken (this really made Joe question the abilities of everyone in triage) they started me on an oxytocin drip.

Around this time, I asked my labour nurse if I could maybe walk around a bit. But she said that because my blood pressure was high, I wasn't allowed to. This was the start of a day long battle with my nurse. Every time I asked her if I could do something, she said no without compromise and without suggesting any alternatives. I was very dissapointed because everyone had told me that I would come to love my nurse and I could see that it wasn't going to happen between the two of us.

Anyway, with the oxytocin, the contractions really started to ramp up. For the first couple of hours I was fine, but by 2pm, my lack of sleep (I had only gotten a couple of hours before my water broke) was catching up with me and I was having trouble keeping a lid on the pain. I was about 5cm dilated at this point and Joe could see that I was starting to lose it. Thankfully he started the ball rolling on getting me an epidural.

Once the epidural was in, it was amazing. My blood pressure dropped back to normal, and even though I kept the dosage low enough that I could still feel every contraction, the pain was magically gone.

Around 5pm, another exam had me at fully dilated, but the baby wasn't descending. She was still pretty high in the pelvis (-2 station if that means anything to you). The doctors had me push for one contraction to see if she would move, and she did a little, but they decided to take it easy for a while and see if the contractions could move her down some more.

By this time, it was close to 7:30pm and almost time for the nursing shift change. Boy was I looking forward to that. Joe thought it was hilarious, I kept asking the nurse if her shift was nearly over. I guess I wasn't being very subtle.

Finally the day nurse left, and like a hurricane, my new nurse blew into the room. Her first words to us after she introduced herself was "We are going to deliver this baby vaginally." Which really makes Joe and I think there were some very advanced conversations between the medical professionals out of our earshot about cutting me open.

It was such a different atmosphere after that. She was much friendlier, and had a really upbeat and positive attitude that really energized all of us. (And it turned out that she was neighbours with one of my brothers!) She came on shift at 7:30 and by 8pm, she had drafted Joe to hold one of my legs and had me pushing through the contractions.

Time really started to lose meaning for me then. All I know is that I'm glad that I kept the dose low on the epidural because I was able to feel when to push. To the extent that I had to keep telling everyone when to get back in place for me to push.

I was scared that the pushing was going to go on for a while because my first nurse had said that it took an average of 2 hours per station to get the kid out. So that meant at least 6 hours according to my last exam. But apparently I'm really good at pushing. An hour and a half after I start pushing in earnest, out she popped.


at 9:37 pm on Sept 2nd 2007, Z was born. 20" long weighing 7lb 4oz.

And our first family portrait:

Just a quick note to say we are all doing well, just very tired. We're starting to come out of the haze though.
Thanks for all the best wishes. We're having an amazing time with her and when I get more than a couple of minutes to myself, I'll post pictures of Zoë and tell you all about it.

By the way, they weren't kidding about the 2nd night were they? It has now been dubbed 'the worst night of my life!'

Game On!

Well, I thought my water broke at around 4:20 this morning so as per my doctor's instructions, we made our way to the hospital to make sure the baby was in the correct position.
When we got there, the tests said that my water hadn't broken, but the ultrasound showed less fluid than the resident liked around the baby. Added that my blood pressure was starting to get high, they decided that they wanted to induce. Unfortunately, there wasn't a free bed at the time, so around 7:00am they sent me home telling me they would call when they could fit me in.
The call came at 8:15am. I am currently waiting for one of my sisters to pick me up to take us back to the hospital to be induced. I am having very mild, irregular contractions right now, but that's it.

The next time I post, I guess it will be with baby!

The warmest babies in Toronto

Ok, let's talk baby showers.
A couple of weeks ago, two of my very good friends, Stefanie and Maria got together to throw me a shower. (here they are preparing before the event)

Because it was the middle of summer and for some reason people like to take vacations then, not everyone could make it, but the turn out was still enough to fill Stefanie's back yard. (who knew I had so many friends?)
Games were played, food was eaten (lots and lots of food) and fun was had.
There were also many presents for the little one.
A few highlights from the gifts include:

A really cool bib with a hand embroidered duck from Jasmine (along with a Beatrix Potter book)


A kimono designed and made by my neice


and of course the baby monitor otherwise known as the 'walkie talkie set' from our friends Todd and Cait.

There was a lot more, including some really cute outfits and lots of necessary blankies, towels and diapers. But I'm a bad blogger and not much of it is recorded for posterity. But it will all be used, I assure you!

Then, last night at Lettuce Knit, the regular Wednesday night stitch and bitch turned into a massive 3 way baby shower for myself, Jen and Mel. Sadly none of us thought to bring our cameras so we will have to depend on the kindness of others - mostly Laura, for pictures of the actual event.
But I did take a picture today of all the beautiful knits that I have recieved for the little one. Stephanie mentioned that these three babies will be the warmest kids in Toronto this winter and I have to say I agree.


That's everything from last night, plus a couple of knitted things that were given to me earlier.
Across the bottom we have the orange placket sweater from Jill, the wrap sweater from Jean Anne, the bonnet and bootie set from Mel, and the gifts from Jen - the stuffed frog, the green booties, one of my fave kids books The Very Hungry Caterpiller and some amazing smelling Lush soap.
Next row up is the sweater from Laura made from her own handspun, and the infamous Tulip sweater from the Stephanie.
Above that are the blocks from Emily (whose daughter I love and would steal away in a second if I wasn't about to have my own), then the unbeliveably cute booties from Erin, across the blanket we have the stuffed ice cream cone (we've decided the flavour is french vanilla) from Aleta and Rachel H's gift of the beautiful stuffed sheep and the book, Is Your Mama a Llama.
But the piece de resistance is the amazing blanket that everyone from SnB contributed to.

Thank you to everyone. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such great friends and I can't wait for my daughter to meet all you wonderful people.

Another week, another doctor's appointment, another position for the baby.

At least this time, it's the correct position! Finally! She is head down with her back towards my front. She actually responded to the stern talking to she got from Joe last night to stop fooling around. This has really relieved a lot of anxiety on out part. We had been a bit terrified that we would go in for our appointment and the doctor would say 'what the hell, let's just get her out of there now' and start prepping me for a c-section right there - this actually happened to someone I know at work. I don't know the details of why she had to have a c-section, but her doctor decided at her weekly appointment that he had to get the baby out that day, but the way she told it, it didn't seem like it was an emergency. I've had a bit of irrational fear of that happening to me and it has spread to Joe.

I do have to admit that I am starting to really want her to be outside rather than inside now. I'm not necessarily sick of being pregnant, but I am getting really impatient. The tiredness and back aches have also increased to make me just not enthusiastic to do much of anything anymore. I am baking though, which I have been told means that labour is imminent.
It's funny, last week, I thought, no way I'm giving birth before my due date, now, I'm not so sure. For the longest time, I've has it in my head that she would be born on the 6th of September, but this last week, I've moved the estimate up to next weekend. I'm officially due the 3rd and I think I'll hit very close to that. Now I'm not sure that my body is telling me that or if it's just a case of wishful thinking!

Sorry about the lack of post last week. We went away for a few days and I've just been keeping myself too busy since we got back.
But the news for the week is that the baby changed position. She is no longer lying posterior but is now lying transverse (ie: sideways). This is worse. If I go into labour and she doesn't change position the likely course would be a C-section.
After 8 months of smooth sailing, now she decides to act up!
We are trying all we can think of to convince her to lie head down. I've been playing music through headphones very low on my pelvis, and Joe has been trying to talk her down as well. She moves around a bit when that is happening, but then it seems like she just goes back to her new favourite position.
This does give us a bit of hope though as she still seems to have a lot of room to move around in, and I don't feel like I'm going to be going into labour any time soon so we have some time to work with.
I've been told that swimming would help as well so I think if it's warm enough tomorrow, I will be off to my sister's place to just hang out in the pool for a while.

Well, I've officially started my mat leave today. It's really strange to think that I won't be going back into work until next September. Since going to work was the only thing giving my weeks structure, I expect to start losing track of what day it is by the end of the weekend.

I am happy about being off (really, who wouldn't be?) because now I can really concentrate on getting ready for the baby. Since at the end of the week I will be 37 weeks gone, I am considered full term!!! That means that technically, she can come ANY TIME NOW!!! and I am in no way ready for her. Joe is, but he doesn't have a house to clean and piles of baby clothes to launder. He put the crib up earlier this week (holy shit, there's a crib in our bedroom!) so his job is done. (this is not to say he doesn't help with cleaning the house, it's just that he doesn't feel quite the same need to say, clean out the fridge, like I do.)

I'm actually a bit intimidated by how much I need/want to do around the house before the baby arrives. I haven't hit the point with the nesting instinct that I have to start moving the furniture around or anything, well, only a little, but every time I look around, I see more places that I should really unclutter, and really is it so unreasonable to rent a carpet steamer for our one bit of carpet in the hallway?
But I will not start today. Today is all about me enjoying a day off. I hit the spa this afternoon for a pedicure that I got for my birthday. It's at the Elmwood, so I will be 'taking the waters' there before hand. Then I meet up with Joe to do a little shopping downtown and then off to meet up with everybody's favourite Drunken Knitters. The nesting instinct can wait until tomorrow.

A couple of things are making me worried today.

After months of being able to feel the ouline of the baby's bum and spine pretty clearly, it seems like sometime last week she decided, enough of that, and has turned. This means her back is now lying against my back and she is facing outward. This does not make me happy. The most immediate problem this creates is that she is now pressing on some nerves which is making my legs a little numb. It's not painful (that comes later) but it is strange and unnerving to not be able to feel front of my thighs when I walk.
The much bigger problem with the baby lying in a posterior position is that if I go into labour with her that way, it is reportedly a much more painful experience. Not to mention that it generally takes longer as well. Apparently there are things you can do to make her turn before labour, but it doesn't guarantee that she'll stay there!

The other thing that is worrying me today is my itchy feet. Apparently this could signal a problem with my liver that could result in a still birth. I did not know this prior to today. (The internet really can be a scary place!) It's been going on for a couple of weeks now, but I didn't think to mention it to the doctor. The numbness seemed so much more serious. That goes to show you that you have to mention every little thing to the doctor! I don't think it's much of a problem since I really only have the itching as a symptom, but I'm glad the doctor's appointments have ramped up to once a week now. I think I can wait until Tuesday's appointment to ask about this.

To end on happier news, my workmates threw me a surprise shower earlier this week! I was actually surprised because I don't finish until next Thursday and I didn't think they would do something that early. I got lots of great stuff including a few things off my registry. I've got to get down to Toys R Us and make sure they get taken off the list.

Oh man, so much to do and only one more month to do it all in!

Last night, Joe and I attended a baby care class given by Sunnybrook/Women's College hospital. This is different from the prenatal classes that we've been going to on Thursdays as this one only deals with the kid for the first three months of its life.
We got to change diapers on a doll and pretend to burp it. We got tips on how to bathe the kid and a really hard sell on carrying your baby (which we were already going to do anyway) which included a demonstration with various kinds of carriers - the baby bjorn, the ergo, the heart to heart sling (which Joe got to demonstrate) and a wraparound carrier (I forget which brand exactly). It was a fun class and all the couples were really into it. Joe and I really have to work on our swaddling skills though.
I have to say that all the pretending last night made me really impatient to be done with the pregnancy part of this whole thing. Joe and I both came out of the class just wanting to be able to hold our own baby.
It doesn't help that in the last couple of weeks I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable every day. It's little things like, as we were walking home last night, I couldn't figure out why my pelvic bone hurt so much. I started to rub the area and I realized it was because her head was resting right on top of the bone, more or less grinding into it as I walked.
And I thought sleeping was bad a couple of months ago! I'm finding it completely impossible to find a comfortable position to sleep in. When I toss and turn at 4 in the morning, I think she thinks it's playtime because suddenly she starts to roll and kick in there which doesn't help the sleeping any either.
It's really only minor irritations, but I am starting to see why women at the end of their pregnancies are suddenly so sick of the whole thing. It's been a great run, but lets get this thing over with already!

In that vein, I just filled out my last time sheet at work before I go on leave! (only 15 more days - 5 of which are weekends - before I'm out of here! Woot!)

Well, on Tuesday, we finally got around to picking up the crib from my cousin. Now all we have to do is assemble the sucker!
Joe has been getting really antsy about it as he wants to be sure we have everything ready. I think he got spooked when he learned that the baby is considered full term and could be expected anytime after the second week in August. I personally think she's going to come after my due date. After all, my family is not really well known for their punctuality.

It's funny thinking that my pregnancy will be over really soon though. Lately there have been a few things that have underscored how little time is left before the baby comes.
The day before yesterday, a friend from work who is on Mat leave stopped by to give me the first presents I've received for her.
Yesterday, I passed a church with a sign out front advertising a rummage sale for Sept 1. That kind of freaked me out. There shouldn't be ads for things happening in September already!
And tonight, we go on the hospital tour with our neonatal class.
It just seems that things are happening way earlier than they should. It's still the middle of July after all!
We've still got tons of time! Right?

3D ultrasound!

The sharp pain seems to have receded so I am just putting it down to a pulled muscle of some sort. She's still moving and I can hear the heartbeat occasionally with our fetal monitor so I wasn't as panicked as I could have been.

Tonight starts a panic of a different kind though. We start our prenatal classes at Women's College tonight. 3 hours every Thursday night for all of July. Joe has already said to me that he really doesn't want to watch any movies that they might want to show him. And God knows I've been in a bit of denial about the whole birth thing myself. I'm not sure I'm ready to confront exactly what to expect during the process. Why oh why have we gotten away from the days when, at the first sign of a contraction, they knocked you out and when you came to, they handed you a baby? Why did I decide to actually bear a child rather than adopt? I can barely stand the leg cramps I've been getting at night.

Just my luck.
As you know, I haven't had any major problems at all this entire pregnancy. But now that my OB-GYN is on holiday for the next couple of weeks I am suddenly experiencing some weird sharp pain about an inch left of my belly button and I would really love his reassurance about it.
It's intermittent but occasionally very painful. Especially when I first get out of bed. It started yesterday morning, and for the most part it went away as the day went on, with only small twinges every now and then. But this morning as I was getting out of bed, it really hit me. I actually had to lie back down for a little bit until the pain subsided.
I can still feel her moving around, so I'm not too worried, but I would like to know what's going on.
Should I go to the hospital for this? Part of me feels that it isn't that serious and that I would be wasting hours just to find out it was perfectly normal, but then I can't stop thinking and worrying about it!

Due to a combination of my being late for the Doctor's appointment on Monday and the baby not being in a optimal position for a 3d picture, we did not manage to get a 3d ultrasound done on Monday. We are going to get another appointment for the ultrasound. We are determined to do this!!
We did get the sizing done though. It seems that even though I am still losing a bit of weight (back down to 159lbs where I started!) she is growing well. The technician said she was of average size and weighed about 3lb 4oz. They also told us how she is positioned - head down with her spine against my left side. I'm not sure if she is still positioned like that. She does like to move around a lot.
It did give me a sense of just how big she is in there. I don't know. I've always thought of her as sort of two dimensional, but for some reason, now I can picture the depth of her. It is a bit disconcerting to realize just how large she is now and how large she will become in the next couple of months.

It has come to my attention in the last couple of weeks that I now occasionally waddle.
I figured it had to happen sooner or later, but I didn't expect it to start so soon!
It seems to be happening when I feel her very low in my pelvis. I guess with her lying in certain positions, it's difficult for my body to work the way it usually does. If I can feel her kicks higher in my abdomen, I have no problems walking (fairly) normally.
One of my sisters actually told me that I shouldn't waddle just because that's how I think pregnant women walk. I had to laugh. Who in their right mind would choose to waddle? It is the most undignified walk this side of the Ministry of Silly Walks that I can think of.

There is one really cool thing that has been happening lately. When Joe talks to her by putting his cheek on my stomach, he says he can totally feel her trying to touch his jaw bone. She's not kicking it, just sort of pawing the area where the vibrations are coming from.
She's reacting to our voices very consistently now. And when I play music for her, she really starts to move. Joe says he's starting to see my stomach bulging out when she moves now too. She's getting big and pretty strong!

On Sunday afternoon, my sister Shirley and I took a little trip down to Toys 'r' Us to finally register for some baby stuff. One of my friends has been bugging me for months about registering, but I always feel very uncomfortable doing things like this. It always feels like such an impolite thing to do.
I did feel it was somewhat necessary in this case though. Since we have already gotten so much stuff from people, this would mean we won't get a lot of repeats of things. And I tried to keep it down to the absolute basics. Although, I admit near the end, I just started scanning whatever my sister pointed out to me. Those barcode scanners are just too much fun.
I did forget to add the Wii that Joe suggested, but I think I can add that online.
We also got some free samples for registering which was nice. Not a ton of stuff, but it's always nice to get free stuff!

The sugar test came back and I technically don't have gestational diabetes. The doctor is still a bit concerned that one of the three blood samples came back elevated though. So I have to see a dietitian again. It's a bit frustrating because I know what the dietitian will say - eat more vegetables and high fibre starches and cut down on white bread and high in sugar foods. I know this. I just maybe don't follow it very strictly all the time.
I really do think my initial high sugar reading was a result of all the leftovers from my birthday party. I was eating sugary desserts every day for three weeks before that first test. Thank god it's mostly all gone now.
I was also surprised yesterday that my weight went down again. Two weeks ago, I came in at 164lbs (up from 158lbs the month before) and now I'm back down to 161lbs. was that also due to my cutting down on the sugary foods?
And to end on an exciting note, in two weeks we will be getting another ultrasound. I've booked it as a 3-D one so hopefully we'll actually be able to see what she looks like!

Just finished gorging myself on Japanese food after my 2 hour blood sugar test. Man was I hungry. The fasting for 12 hours beforehand was tough!
Now we just have to wait for the results.

In other news, I went over to my sister's house the other night and she gave me more clothes. Mostly stuff for older kids that I now have to find a place to store. But she also gave me a lot of things my other sister and I made for my niece. There is a blanket that I knit as well as a couple of sweaters and some overalls, and a dress my sister made. She wants all this stuff back so my niece can have them when she gets older, but it's great that they will get used again soon.

There was one more thing my sister gave me. A very special but unremarkable looking onesie.
It is the one thing we know for sure belonged to my oldest nephew and I assume was passed on to every other grandchild of my parents. This sucker is almost 28 years old. it thrills me beyond words that I have this. This one my sister does not get back. Pretty soon the original wearers of this thing will be having kids. It has to keep moving on.

Just got a call from the doctor's office. I just hate those.

It seems my glucose test came back slightly elevated and I have to go back and do a 2 hour sugar test. This time I have to go on a special diet for two days before doing the test again. I pick up the diet information tomorrow. sigh. I guess I have to cut down on the frozen birthday cake I've been having for the last month!

Last night, Joe and I went to the Communication Night at Women's College Hospital. The panel consisted of an obstetrician, a Family Practice doctor, a delivery room nurse and an anesthesiologist. There were about 20 other couples there with us, peppering the panel with questions that mostly had to do with pain relief, funny enough.
We got some good information about the procedures within the hospital and what the hospital's stand was on various controversial subjects like epidurals, episiotomies, induction and C-sections. And we also found out a bit more about the facilities themselves.
We'll learn more (I hope) when we go in for the prenatal classes in July.
There's one more communication night before my due date, so if any more questions come up, we'll have a chance to ask them before it gets too critical.
The funniest part of the night was the end when we all left. After keeping the 20 or so pregnant women in a room for an hour and a half, the nearest bathroom only had 2 stalls! Really, what were they thinking?

I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday. That went as usual, and since I am almost done my second trimester, we now start going every 2 weeks to see him instead of once a month. Oh, and I drank the orange crush for my glucose testing. I nearly messed it up because they didn't really give me any directions when I got the bottle. I had a small swig of water between drinking the stuff and getting the bloodwork done. oops. I should have known better. The nurse was very forgiving though. Hopefully I passed the test!

Finished the first baby related knit item last week! It's a blanket made out of Seawool. It's a bit on the small side but I have been assured that it is a good size, especially for carseats and strollers.



There are other things nearly finished or still on the needles but we'll get to those later.

In other pregnancy news, still feeling pretty good. Just the tiredness (which is really kicking my ass today) and some pretty bad tendonitis in my left wrist. Oh, and I'm eating everything in sight, which is totally cracking Joe up.
I had been pretty good with keeping my eating under control until last week when I realized that no matter how much I had just eaten, I still wanted more food. I guess she's growing pretty quickly in there and I just haven't been able to keep up with the food intake.

I've had a cold for the last week and it's starting to drive me crazy. I seem to be always stuffed up and I can't take anything for it!
Because of it, I've been having more than usual problems staying asleep, which, coupled with the hormones, is making me incredibly cranky and emotional. In fact, yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown when waiting for the streetcar to get me home from Lettuce Knit. (It was taking a very long time - in the half hour or so while I waited only one came by and it didn't stop for us because it was packed - On a Sunday!)
Just the night before I had been talking to a (male) friend who loves to tell me that pregnant women were legally insane because we have emotional outbursts that have no relation to any external stimuli. I explained to him that my outbursts were alway a reaction to external stimuli. The problem is that sometimes I OVER react to the stimuli. That was certainly the case yesterday. It was a day of 1000 papercuts and everything just culminated in me crying at the streetcar stop.

According to my weekly e-mails from babycenter.ca, it seems the little one is now 'viable'. Once I could feel her moving around consistently, this was the next milestone I was looking forward to.
It is such a relief to get to this point. Again, no major problems are cropping up, but it's nice to have the added security that if something were to go wrong now, she would still have a chance outside the womb.
It's so strange to think that we are so emotionally invested in something that literally didn't exist 5 months ago.

In other news, had my meeting with HR today. Baby worries are slowly being superceded by money worries.

I totally didn't talk about the Doctor's appointment on Tuesday! Partially because since I can feel her moving constantly, there was very little angst leading up to it, and because nothing really exciting happened during it. But there were some interesting things to note:

-I will be getting another ultrasound at 32 weeks (10 weeks from now) - hopefully we can get that one as a 3-d one

- the next appointment at 26 weeks will include glucose testing which means I have to drink tons of sugar to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes

-and last but not least, I did not gain any weight since my last monthly appointment! This surprised me to no end since I am definitely starting to show. I guess even though I'm not dieting, the eating plan my dietician has me on is a lot less than what I used to eat say, a year ago. Now that I know I'm not ballooning out of control, I'm being less obsessive about how much I am eating and just eating until I am full. Portion sizes are slowly going out the window. Especially this week!

Yesterday, I finally made an appointment to speak to my HR person about maternity leave. I also spoke to my immediate supervisor about what their plans are for August.
Up until now, everything about the baby has been sort of abstract. Even with all the baby stuff I've been collecting piling up in our bedroom, the actual arrival of the child has been pretty vague and nebulous. It's something that we are looking forward to, and anticipating and all of that, but it's... over there.
Now though, it's starting to acquire a solidity that is a bit frightening. It's one thing to say 'oh, I'll probably start my mat leave sometime near the beginning of August' . But to talk to my supervisor and come away with actual dates is something totally different. Plans are actually being set into motion by this. My life really will change. It's exciting and a bit incomprehensible at the same time.

Oh, and it looks like I may be able to get most of August off, depending on how much vacation time I have.

Very exciting. On Sunday, Joe felt the baby move for the first time! I've been feeling her moving around in there for the last few weeks, but I guess up until the weekend, the movements had been too small and subtle. I was really looking forward to the day when Joe could feel it as well, because even though all the books say that the small movements are something special between the mom and the baby, I wanted Joe to share in all that as well.
This whole thing has been about the three of us from the beginning. In fact, most days, I think Joe is way more excited about this whole baby thing than I am. He's been so involved in the pregnancy (ok, maybe not so much with the shopping part of it) that it just seemed so unfair that
I could feel the movement so much earlier than he could.
But Sunday night she was in fine form! For a couple of minutes there, she was just dancing away and Joe had no problems distinguishing her movements from the random gurglings of my stomach.

Feeling the need to immerse myself in baby stuff, I took a trip out to Roncesvalles to go to Macklem's yesterday morning.
Even though we are getting a lot of things from our incredibly generous friends and relatives (we have been offered a bassinet, a baby bjorn, and multiple strollers in addition to the crib, bouncy chair and diaper genie that are already in our possession) and don't need a lot of the big ticket stuff, I wanted to go and see what was out there.
It was great walking around there and having an upclose look at all the different car seats, cribs, strollers, and all the other things that a new mother apparently can't do without. It was also nice talking to the sales people about the benefits of the various brands and styles. Much better than at Babies R Us where, if you can find a salesperson, they barely know the stock. The store was pretty expensive, and I don't know if I would buy anything from there, but I won't hesitate to use their knowledge.
I checked out the stroller that my friend Mel just bought and suffered some serious envy. I had to agree with my friend Stef though when she pointed out that while that particular stroller was really good for 2 kids, since we only plan on having one, it might not be the best choice for us.
But now, I am obsessed with strollers. Even though we have been offered three strollers from various people, and we will most likely not be getting a new one, every time I see a stroller on the street I stare at it fixedly, trying to see how well it maneuvers and how comfortable the kid seems.
I would probably be doing this with car seats as well, but it's a bit more difficult to check those out without looking like a total psycho.

This will come back to bite me in the ass

Well, I'm just about at the halfway mark of the pregnancy and I have to say, so far, I am getting off really lightly. The worst I've had is some back pain and trouble sleeping which kinda leads to some exhaustion. Everyone keeps asking me how I am and I feel like I'm disappointing them when I say that I feel great. And I do! I wouldn't say I've never felt better (which, from all the stories that I hear, is apparently how all the pregnant women that aren't in pain/constantly nauseous/having massive gastro-intestinal problems/completely wiped out physically feel), I just feel absolutely normal. A little sleepy and constantly distracted, but nothing too far out of the ordinary.
I know that writing this is just asking for trouble and let's face it, the real hard stuff is still to come. I can still tie my shoes, get up from our couch by myself (and if you've ever sat on my couch, you know that that's a challenge at the best of times), eat full meals and take deep breaths, but I know that will change soon. Not to mention, I will be at my hugest at the height of summer. (Bad forward planning on my part. Why couldn't I be like my sister and planned a February baby?)
I guess I just wanted a reminder for when it gets bad that it wasn't always that way. In fact, right now, sitting here writing this and feeling her moving and kicking, it's fucking fantastic.

No question about it. The ultrasound technician was very confident as she said: "It's a baby girl".
Joe is over the moon. We are also over the moon about the fact that everything is developing normally and there are no scary shadows on anything. We saw the heart beating, the spine and the tiny hands and feet. And boy was she active. The doctor asked me if I had anything sweet to eat prior to the ultrasound, she was moving so much. I think it's more that I had just gotten off the streetcar and I'm really noticing that she gets agitated when I'm in a moving vehicle.

It's really crazy feeling her move so much. Sometimes I think it's just my stomach muscles contracting involuntarily, but then I realize that, no, it was probably her kicking me.

Oh, and yes, we have a name, and no, we're not telling you.

Ultrasound today! I'm less worried this time because I can feel the little bugger moving around quite a bit.
It is a bit nervewracking still, because this is the ultrasound where they check out all the organs and make sure everything is developing correctly. I've been hearing stories from people about shadows on ultrasounds that turn out to be nothing and others that turn out to mean lots of surgery for the little one after birth. I'm trying to not obsess about it too much though. Instead I've been concentrating on the fact that hopefully we will be able to find out the sex of the baby today. I've been telling it for days to not be shy and show all. Hopefully I have an obedient child. If not, this will be the first of I'm sure many times that it won't listen to me.

All I do is dream

The wacky dreams have started, but funny enough, they aren't about the baby! For the last couple of nights I've had rather alarming dreams where Joe has mysteriously (or not) vanished.
The dreams are never about our relationship breaking down or anything like that. In fact, it's always pretty clear that we are just as close as ever. The circumstances are more that he becomes distracted and forgets about me, leaving me to fend for myself, or in one of the dreams, I leave the house where he's busy making dinner for me and when I try to get back to the house both the house and Joe are gone.
I suspect that it's my subconcious playing out my fears that once the baby arrives, Joe's attention will be focused on the baby and I will be pushed to the background. We've talked about this and he's assured me that this will not happen, but my abandonment issues run very deep.
I do find it strange that the baby never makes an appearance in my dreams. Joe has been dreaming of it though. From what he tells me, they are rather strange dreams where I give birth to a freakishly intelligent baby that can speak right away.

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is what I think I'm feeling, but for the last couple of weeks there's been some sort of, well, whooshing feeling where my lower intestines usually are. I'm beginning to suspect that it's the kid moving around in there. And the other night, while Joe and I were talking to the baby, I'm pretty sure I felt a distinct jab. I've tried to recreate the circumstances to feel the jab again, but so far nothing. I"m starting to feel excited about it.

For Jen, the geekiest thing ever.

Just signed up for the prenatal yoga at the Miles Nadal JCC with Baby &Me Fitness. It starts tonight at 6:30. This should be interesting seeing as I haven't done any yoga for years, and when I did, I wasn't exactly regular about it. I was also thinking of doing the aqua fitness class they have going on Tuesdays and Thursdays but decided against it as I don't think I should jump into a heavy exercise regimen when I've been a couch potato for the last couple of years.

I'm feeling very positive about keeping up with this. I'm usually very bad at going to the gym or doing any kind of regular exercise, but I realized that was the case only when it had to be totally self motivated. I could never get it together to go to the gym on a regular basis, even if I was paying for it, but the free swim classes at the community center, no problem. Only missed one week! The difference was that before every swim class, they took attendance. People were expecting me to show up! I can't let them down! They know who I am!
That's why I like these classes, they're not drop in. I've signed up for 7 classes (it's 10 weeks, but there's passover and Victoria Day in there, so no classes for three of the weeks.). If I like it, I'll probably extend it for another 10 weeks which would take me into August.

Lately, I've been pondering that age old question 'cloth vs. disposable'.
I'd like to think that I am ecologically conscious and all that, but let's face it. I'm also incredibly lazy.
There are a lot of minuses in my book for cloth diapers. First, I don't really like the idea of a diaper service. I don't know what kind of chemicals they are using to clean the diapers, but I'm not sure I like it going on my baby's ass. Then there's the leakage problem, I don't think I have to elaborate on that. Then there's the fact that I have a large family that gets together a lot. If I went with cloth, that means carrying stinky diapers all over the place.

On the other hand, disposables... convenient, but-

Whenever I'm faced with a tough decision like this, I like to research the hell out of it. In the course of that, I came across these cloth diapers. I like them because it addresses at least one if not two of my big problems. First off, they are machine washable at home and they don't want you to use bleach. They also say, they don't leak. I'm not sure I would just take their word for it, but it is a two part system with a waterproof outer layer which should prevent some of the leaking.
I did some number crunching. They say that if you want to use the Fuzzi Bunz exclusively you should buy at least 24 of the small and medium sizes each. That totals 960.00, which is a lot of money. After a quick boo at price of disposables at Costco, it seems that they come out to approximately $60.00 a month. If the kid is going to be in diapers until it is at least, say, about 2 years old, that totals out to $1440. Of course that's stretched out over the entire two years while the cloth ones are a huge initial cash outlay. The slightly cheaper, but kinda eww route for the cloth ones is ebay. Believe it or not, people sometimes sell the used ones there!

There is still my issue of carrying around the stinky diapers. I don't mind if I'm out for an hour or two, but if I'm out for dinner or something lasting a few hours, that's just a bit too gross for me. In my mind, the perfect solution would be to do both. Have the cloth ones for days at home and quick visits with people and disposables for longer trips. Does anyone know of someone who pulled this off? I'm afraid that the convenience of plastic will seduce me, and after spending a ton of money* for the cloth ones, I'll never use them.
What do you think? Should I give the cloth ones a whirl, or just revel in my planet killing laziness? I do still have a lot of time to consider it, but it's always good to have a head start.

*of course I'll be spending considerably less than the numbers I was throwing around above since the cloth won't be my only option.

Just got back from the doctor's appointment. Whew.
My blood pressure is still good, and we heard the whoop whoop whoop of the heartbeat, so I am reassured - at least until the ultrasound in 3 weeks.
He also said the screening tests came back beautiful and he didn't think we would need any more tests done. So no Amnio!
The whole thing was a huge weight off of both our minds.

So Joe noticed last night that right before every doctor's appointment I get very tense. I don't know how normal this is, but the fact is, I'm terrified that the doctor will have bad news for us.
There's no real reason for me to think this. Everything seems to be going fine with me, no spotting, no pain, no weird symptoms. Just a huge amount of free floating paranoia.
I'm telling myself that it will go away once I can feel the baby moving, but until then, I'm thinking of renting a fetal monitor for a couple of months. The one my friend Stef gave me is not very sensitive. Apparently you don't really hear the heartbeat with it until much later in the pregnancy and as my sister says, by that time you're getting kicked in the ribs all the time, so you don't need the reassurance as much.
The one thing I'm hanging on to right now is the fact that once my sisters got past the third month, there were no real problems with their pregnancies. I know that every pregnancy is different, but it does make me feel better that, genetically at least, there is a good track record.

After a bit of a bad week last week, I realized that it had been a very long time since I had just been by myself, doing whatever I wanted to. So on Friday night after work I took off to the Eaton Center to just wander around. Wow did I need that. I came back home totally revitalized. I keep forgetting I need me time every once in a while.

While I was out wandering, I did make one purchase. Long ago, when we first started talking about having a kid, I promised Joe that when I got pregnant, I would get him the Ray Harryhausen Sinbad Collection of DVD's. He saw them when he was really young and he really wanted to share them with any kid he had. (get them young with the stop motion animation we say!) As one of my friends at work says, with the two of us as its parents, this poor child probably won't be aware of any current entertainment for years! (except for Dr.Who of course)
I'd actually love it if my kid was like Mel's two year old that loves Miyazaki movies and Warner Bros. superhero cartoons. I would do the entire Warner's cartoon canon personally, I love me some Animaniacs.

Thanks for the support everyone. I know I'm acting irrationally, and these things are small issues in the big picture, but what can I say, it's irrational! I'm trying to take it one day at a time and not get too obsessive. It is difficult to think about anything else though.

In other news, we've been telling people left and right. Wednesday night I sprung it on Megan at the knitting store. She was totally gobsmacked. Unfortunately the picture I took of her face did not turn out at all. Sorry Denny.
I've also told my boss at work. His one comment was I was going to make one of the contract workers very happy!

So Sunday night, after a lovely evening with some friends and their adorable almost 1 year old,
we got home and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the enormity of what was happening. The amount of responsibility that we were taking on started to really scare me. There seemed to be an unending string of decisions that we needed to start making about everything. Some of them really important like birthplans, names, and whether to have certain tests done. Some of them not so much like what kind of stroller and playyard to get.
But since every question was going to affect my child directly, they all seemed to take on epic proportions. It was maddening. I was feeling paralyzed by indecison already!
Joe's advice was to just concentrate on each thing as it crops up, and I try to, but it's really difficult. I'm a list maker by nature, I like to have everything ready and organized in my head well in advance. But everytime I start trying to concentrate on one thing, I think of all the others I'm not concentrating on and I freak out that I'll never get any of it resolved. I just keep going around and around in this not very productive circle. It's starting to drive me insane and that's starting to drive Joe insane.

Since we got the ultrasound done on Friday, we've made a start at telling our friends the news. I can't believe how much fun it is. Everyone is happy and excited for us of course, but a big reaction is shock. Joe thinks it's because we've been together for so long that people assumed if we wanted kids, we would have had them by now. It's going to be really fun at knitting on Wednesday night because I am apparently the dark horse in the baby sweepstakes at stitch and bitch.
One unexpected side benefit of starting to tell people is getting stuff! When I told my friend Stef yesterday, she immediately started going through her closets and pulling out things she used during her pregnancy last year.
In addition to a crapload of maternity clothes, she also lent us a fetal monitor and microphone. These things are the coolest. We can't hear anything yet with the monitor (trust me, we tried), but we did use the microphone to talk to the fetus. Stef says that when she was pregnant, she used to sing the ABC song to the fetus, and now, the song totally chills her son out. So we're planning a steady stream of the Doctor Who theme and Blur. With maybe a smattering of Cole Porter tunes.

The proof

I woke Joe up at the ungodly hour of 7:30am this morning so we could make our 9:15 appointment at the Women's College fetal assessment clinic for the nuchal translucency screening. We were really excited about the ultrasound, but we were unprepared for just how much it affected us.
I thought it would take a little searching around to see the fetus clearly, but as soon as the technician put the sensor on my stomach, there it was, doing a little dance. Joe was just riveted by the images. I was thrilled that there was actually something there and it wasn't just all in my mind.


The technician says the neck looks good, and the brain looks good. We'll know more after the blood tests come back. In a couple of months, we'll get some 3d ultrasound pictures!

Until tonight I was thinking, 'well, at least I don't have any food aversions'. But at Stitch and Bitch tonight, someone bought in cupcakes with gummy worms on them. I wasn't in the mood for cupcakes (which should have told me something right there), but I grabbed a loose gummy worm. It must have been the concentrated sugar hit. Instant queasy. That's when I realized that for the last little while I haven't really been interested in anything sugary. I mean, I've had a candy or two, but I used to crave chocolate bars all the time. Now, not so much. No dreaming of cake like I usually do when I'm hungry at night (and I'm always hungry at night these days). I still like fruits and juices and the like, but I seem to be off straight up sugar.
It's really interesting how the pregnancy is affecting my eating habits, but I have say, my stomach is starting to piss me off a little. I just wish it would make up its mind. If I'm even a little bit hungry, I get queasy. When I eat, I feel bloated. Why can't I find a happy medium?

Well the appointment was a bit anticlimactic. We weren't able to hear the heartbeat (there wasn't time to try as he had to go and deliver a baby), but the doctor said everything seemed to be in the right place and was the right size. We go back on Friday for the Nuchal testing ultrasound. Joe is really excited about that.

Also saw a very interesting documentary last night on hothousing babies and toddlers (they weren't in favour of it), which gave rise to a really great conversation with Joe about child rearing and how we wanted to approach it with our child. I'm glad we agree. It would suck to find out at this point that we had completely divergent views.

Today's source of anxiety

After getting through the nerve wracking experience of telling the family on the weekend, I can concentrate on the first appointment with the obstetrician this afternoon. Hopefully he will be able to hear the heartbeat, thus giving us the first bit of concrete proof that something is growing inside me. 'Symptoms' and 'test results' are all fine and good, but God knows I've thrown up many times in my life without being pregnant.
I am happy that I (we?) apparently enter the 2nd trimester today. That means that the nausea should go away (please!) and the risk of miscarriage gets significantly lower. And it drops even more if we can hear the heartbeat.

Oh. A note about doctor vs midwife. Joe and I chose to go the obstetrician route because my age and my high blood pressure bump this pregnancy into the high risk category. I know that for some people I hang out with, this decision will horrify them, but honestly, a midwife would probably end up referring me to an ob/gyn at some point anyway, so why not cut out the middleman.

Spreading the news

Ok, so far we've told almost no one about my delicate condition. In fact, out of my huge family, I've only told one sister. I haven't even told my parents yet. I wanted to wait until after my first ultrasound which happens this Friday. But now I'm having second thoughts.
Today is Chinese New Year and I'm seeing my entire family for dinner tonight (well, almost). This would be a perfect time to tell everyone at once. Not to mention the fact that it will really add to the family celebration.
The only problem is, what if something goes wrong? I'm not out of my first trimester, and I haven't even had an appointment with my obstetrician yet (that happens on Monday). I'm a pretty private person (despite the evidence of this blog) and I'm not sure I would want everyone to know if there was bad news - even members of my family. I'm not sure I can handle that many people feeling sorry for me.
After talking to my sister, I'm leaning towards telling them today, but it still terrifies me somewhat. Maybe its part of the whole 'this makes it more real' feeling. I remember the first time I told someone besides my doctor. It was a total stranger in the health food store where I was buying my prenatal vitamins. It was only a couple of days after I tested positive so it was a real novelty to say out loud 'I'm pregnant' and it felt great acknowledging it to someone. It certainly helped me to believe it in those first few days. But that was someone I was never going to see again. This is my family. My entire family. There's no going back from this!

I'm sure I'm angsting over nothing once again. My family is incredibly loving and supportive. And I know they will be very excited when they hear the news. In fact, I'm very anxious to tell them. I just wish the timing of things was a bit better. If this was happening next weekend, it would have been perfect. I guess I can't expect perfection and I will have to make do with what I have.

After a month or so of not really believing I was pregnant, my body seems to have taken over, leaving me in no doubt of what is going on. In the last week or so, my symptoms have really ramped up. The nausea that seemed to go away for a bit has come back, I'm really tired all the time but when I go to sleep, I just can't seem to get comfortable, when I do get to sleep, I wake up way too early, and my moods are all over the place. I've been crying at the drop of a hat lately.
Not to mention the physical changes that my body is going through.

Even though I am only nearing the end of 11 weeks and not really showing, I had to go and buy some maternity jeans at Old Navy last night. My sister says it's because everything is moving around. But I had an appointment with my dietician this morning and it seems that I've gained four and a half pounds. That's about 2lbs more than I expected. I've been kinda beating myself up about this all day even though everyone says I should just relax and that as long as I'm eating well and not too much, it should all work out. But I can't help myself. In a weird way, I feel like I've failed myself or something. My goal is to stay on the lighter side of the weight gain curve, which in the first trimester is 1/2 lb a week and I blew it for the month. I started out almost 40lbs overweight and I don't want to use this as an excuse to balloon even more.

On the plus side, the maternity jeans are wonderful. There is no constriction whatsoever. I keep worrying that they are going to fall off!